Recipe for a Human Being
12/05/2012
Amazingly, the recipe needed to create a human being consists of the following:
Enough water to fill a ten gallon barrel.
Enough fat for ten bars of soap.
Enough carbon for nine thousand lead pencils.
Enough phosphorous for two thousand two hundred match heads.
Enough iron for one medium-sized nail.
Enough lime to whitewash a chicken coop.
Plus small quantities of magnesium, sulphur and other odds and ends.
Fickle Fate
12/05/2012
Finding madness in life’s bitter dish
Eat like a mouse, drink like a fish
Clinging by nails, losing my grip
Clinging by nails, feeling them slip
Driven insane by worry and fears
Driven to drink that flows out in tears
Frustration and anger tearing apart
Noise in my head, pain in my heart
Limbo the place I’ve come to dwell…
Conversations With Dog
22/12/2011
My Left Sock.
21/12/2011

There’s a hole in my sock,
Dear Liza, dear liza
There’s a hole in my sock
Dear Liza a hole.
Squaddies and The Taliban.
21/12/2011
Three Infantry squaddies were captured
by Taliban terrorists. They were buried
up to their necks in sand, just within
reach of a lovely stretch of water.
The most senior said to the others “They
want us to suffer from thirst, whilst
baking in the sun close to water. Don’t
give them the satisfaction… Don’t give
in”
After hours of this, the terrorists sitting
in the shade watching, noticed that the
……..More
……..More
squaddies heads were moving in time,
from side to side.
One of the terrorists said. “Hakim, go
and see what they are doing”
Hakim returned looking bewildered and
said. “Malik, they are singing”
Malik, stunned, said “Singing, what are
they singing?”
“They are singing…….”
“Ohhhhhh I dooo, like to be beside the
seaside!”
A Christmas Visit from Santa.
21/12/2011
The night before Xmas Throughout the house. Everyone was fucked Even the mouse. Dad at the brothel, …Mum with frank, I’d settled down For a nice slow wank. Outside the house I heard a right clatter, I let go of my cock To see what was the matter. Out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew right away It was old St Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell. The big fat fucker, I think he fell. He filled all our stockings with sweets & beer, And a big rubber cock For my brother, the queer. He rose up the chimney With a thunderous fart, The big fat cunt Blew the house apart. He swore and he cursed As he rode out of sight, Shouting: I’ll be back nxt year, Have a hell of a night. An early Merry Christmas to you. and your family.
OLDRIGHTIE: EU Twelve Days Of Christmas.
20/12/2011
http://www.cracked.com/article_19610_the-6-most-secretly-racist-classic-childrens-books.html – Check out this awesome article on Cracked.com
The IPCC?
17/12/2011
A rabbit is sitting in the forest on a tree stump punching at the keys of a laptop. A fox walks past, stops and asks: “What are you writing?” “A scientific study of how rabbits eat foxes,” says the rabbit. “Whaaat?” says the fox. “You’re crazy.” “Come with me,” says the rabbit. “I’ll show you something.” An hour later, the rabbit is sitting on the tree stump with his laptop again. A wolf walks past, stops and asks: “What are you writing?” “A scientific study of how rabbits eat wolves,” says the rabbit. “Whaaat?” says the wolf. “You’re a nutcase.” “Come with me,” says the rabbit. “I’ll show you something.” An hour later, the rabbit is back on his stump with his laptop. A bear walks past, stops and asks: “What are you writing?” “A scientific study of how rabbits eat bears,” says the rabbit. “Whaaat?” says the bear. “You’re off your head.” “Come with me,” says the rabbit. “I’ll show you something.” ***** A mound of wolf and fox bones is piled up outside a cave. Beside it, a lion is gnawing at the bloodied leg of a bear. The moral of the story? The accuracy of your scientific study is irrelevant if you’re mates with the project manager.
